If you have been following my blog, you know the story of how I was kicked out of the house I shared with my soon-to-be ex husband, The Mitch. It was a horrendous day. I had to start completely over, find a place to live, buy furniture, stock the fridge with food. One would think that was the worst thing to experience, but it wasn’t. I had the drive, resources and help to make that transition a little easier. The hardest part of that entire experience was being on the receiving end of the silent treatment for a full month.
Giving someone the silent treatment is something we have all done at some point in our lives. I remember being so upset with one of my parents that I vowed I would never talk to them again. Then somewhere in the act of my silence (usually a few hours later), I realized I needed something and I had to break my vow. What can I say, life is hard when you’re dependent on someone else.
In the beginning, I figured The Mitch would eventually talk to me because he clearly needed me. He doesn’t know how to cook. He’s not very good at washing clothes. He works nights, so I would run small errands for him during the day while he slept. He’s going to need me for something. Turns out he didn’t. This reminded me of something he said to me during an argument some months before, “You don’t do anything so spectacular that I can’t do it for myself.” I wasn’t as indispensable as I thought.
During the first two weeks, I continued to do it all. I washed and folded his clothes, cooked dinner, packed his lunch and made his coffee for work. He didn’t speak to me. He didn’t even look at me. When I spoke to him, I got one word replies. Any attempt to have a conversation was met with silence. It would have been more effective talking to a wall. If I called him, he didn’t answer. He did not respond to texts. In an attempt to get him to notice me, I straightened my hair. He always loved when I did that, but even that did nothing.
I had grown accustomed to talking to him at night while he drove for work. The nights during this period were long and silent. I watched my favorite TV shows and texted with my friends more to fill the void. The weekends were the worst. Those were our off days. We usually lounged around the house together or took in a movie and went to dinner. Now it was nothing. We were in two separate rooms, avoiding each other. I only heard his voice when he was on the phone with his friends. He started staying up late and would come to bed around 3 a.m., sleeping on the far left side of the bed, with his back turned to me. To cope, I would watch @eddiebcomedy, @iamzoie and @tc_illkillya on Instagram a lot. They kept me sane. They don’t know it, but I am so grateful to them for the laughs because I really needed them. I also listened to a lot of music through my Bluetooth to keep me distracted; shout out to Cardi B!
The last two weeks, I stopped trying. I stopped trying to initiate conversations. I made sure that only my daughter and I ate. I stopped washing his clothes, packing lunch and making coffee. I moved out of the bedroom and into my son’s room. I was angry and anxious all of the time. The anxiety got the best of me, because I lost my appetite. I remember three days in a row when I ate nothing. After that, I could only stand to eat very little because I knew I had to. That was hard because the very thought of food made me nauseous. I lost almost thirty pounds. Imagine a 5’4″ woman, weighing a healthy 135 bs dropping to 107lbs. Through it all, I went to work and taught my students, took care of my daughter, and texted my son. I didn’t dare call him. He would know something was wrong the minute he heard my voice. Unfortunately, my daughter caught me crying one night. She simply sat down next to me, put her arm around my shoulder and cried too.
This led me to google how to deal with the silent treatment. I learned a lot. Before that time, I did not know it was a form of abuse. The abuser is trying to exert their control over the victim. The victim tries anything they can to change the situation, which is exactly what I started doing when it first started. I remember reading it was possible that the abuser would end the relationship and that did happen to me. My kids and I were treated like we were disposable when we had done nothing to hurt or disrespect him.
If any of you reading this has ever been the victim, the only thing you can do is not respond. Try to go through your daily life as usual. Do speak up and let the other person know that you are aware of what they are doing, that you do not approve of it and will talk when they are ready. It may even be necessary for you to walk away from the relationship all together. I regret not doing so myself. If you are the abuser, the giver of this treatment, please understand that it is a form of psychological warfare. It’s punishment and it is not fair to the receiver. If you have children and they are around to witness, it’s a toxic environment for them as well. I will always regret my daughter was exposed to it.
This was one of the darkest moments in my marriage and the fourth or fifth time I lost my appetite due to stress and anxiety during our entire relationship. It took him putting me out to see that I should have ended things with him before I married him. It is my hope that writing about this will help someone in a similar situation make a better decision. Take care of yourselves and choose to be happy.
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