Ok! So this marriage of mine is officially over! The final decree came in the mail a couple of days ago. I swear I had the biggest urge to buy a frame and hang it in my living room. I’m not really going to do that. I put it away in a folder with the other papers. The final hearing took about 5 minutes. We didn’t look at or talk to each other. Every ounce of feeling I once had was gone, including anger. Anyone would think that being angry with him is justifiable, all things considered; however, holding onto that type of feeling is really a waste of time and energy. What is really funny to me is that he stopped talking to me like I did something to him. All I did, honestly, was love him… apparently that wasn’t enough.
I really don’t have any regrets. Well, maybe just one, and that was not leaving when I knew I should have. Instead of listening to him, I should have listened to my gut and walked away.
This relationship was a significant one, and not because we were married, but because of what it taught me about relationships and most importantly about myself. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I do want to share what I have learned thus far.
1. Marriage is a beautiful thing. This situation has not soured my outlook on love or marriage. I have seen some beautiful marriages, so I know it’s possible. It’s even possible for me. I simply married the wrong person — really, really, really wrong. Which leads me to number 2.
2. Listen to my gut. Now this one I will do from now on. Had I listened, that relationship would have ended before we got engaged. All of the signs were there, I just ignored or rationalized them. I swear my gut was saying, “No heffa, nooooooo!!!” Sadly, I didn’t listen.
3. I’m strong. I have alway known this. I have faced many things that have shown me just how strong I am. The problem with this is that forgetting is easy — at least it is for me. It took this really terrible situation to remind me, again, of just how strong I am. I’m glad I remembered, because I think he tried to break me. What he doesn’t know is no man is strong enough to do that, because I’m unbreakable. I will never forget that again for as long as I live.
4. I did not value myself enough. Not only did I forget my strength, I did not value myself enough to walk away from a toxic relationship. This also applies to my professional life. It still surprises me to hear that I’m a good teacher. Many people have asked when I’m coming out of the classroom. I haven’t put forth any real effort to do that because, deep down, I don’t feel as if I’m good enough. Since it literally makes no sense not to see the greatness others see in me in myself, I have started working towards reaching my full potential. I already have a few possible changes on the horizon that will set me on a path to greatness.
5. I settled. Apparently, not valuing myself led to settling for less that I deserve. That is over in all areas of my life.
I think that’s it for now, of course, more lessons will be learned as I work to better myself and heal from what happened. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad. The good times were really good, but the bad times were horrible. There was a constant barrage of lies, even about things I didn’t question. I was living in a constant state of manipulation and didn’t know it. I lost weight from stress four different times while we were together. When he realized he couldn’t control me, he concocted the dumbest way to get rid of me. I remember telling him it wasn’t the ending of the marriage that hurts, it was the way he decided to do it. He not only hurt me, but he hurt my children. It’s was despicable, hands down. It’s over now, and I’m glad. I’m happy and I’m free to live my best life on my terms.
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