My divorce became final a little more than two months ago. I admit, I still reflected on everything from the beginning of the relationship to the very end. I recall the first red flag; the first sign of trouble I ignored. He lied about being divorced for a year. Turns out, he wasn’t divorced at all. I found out because his second ex wife messaged me on Facebook.
I confronted him about it and forgave the lie because he admitted it and didn’t make excuses or deflect blame. He said he wanted me to like him and didn’t think I would date him if I knew the truth. We were several months into our relationship. I had fallen for him and forgave the lie. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have walked away. He would have become someone else’s problem.
Fast forward a couple of years later and here I am, newly, yet happily divorced. I’ve had a few people wonder why I’m happy about it. People usually associate divorce with sadness and negativity. That’s not the case for everyone. Some couples have amicable divorces. Some people are happy to just be divorced from a lot of pain and confusion. I consider myself lucky. We have no children together, didn’t own property together or join bank accounts. The only thing that bonded the two of us was a marriage license.
For me, being happy about the divorce was realizing I wasn’t losing just a husband, I was free of all the things that came with him. I am divorced from all of the negative things that he brought into our marriage. What are those things? Settle into your seat and have a read.
I am divorced from:
1. LIES
You have no idea how much the man lied. He lied about damn near everything. He literally told me made up stories about people, and volunteered the information. I didn’t have to ask. There were stories about different women who were after him, things different people said about us. Most stories about other women were lies by omission. He simply left out the part he played. Why? Who knows? I suspect he just wanted a reaction from me. If that was the goal, I’m sad and embarrassed to say it worked. I had some pretty petty things to say (no pun intended).
2. MANIPULATION
He had a knack for getting his way. If I said something he didn’t like, he immediately countered with something he was going to stop doing for me. I once mentioned doing more things for myself and taking care of myself more. He had to accuse me of blaming him for my stress and he would then stop doing things for me. He also tried to control me with a car I didn’t ask for. He said he wouldn’t pay for the service fee, which was several hundred dollars. (The last time he tried that one was about a month before he put me out.) It didn’t work, I gave him back the keys and told him I wouldn’t drive it.
3. ANXIETY
Almost every disagreement seemed to come out of nowhere. I would leave for work, thinking everything was fine, and later get a text about my attitude putting him in a negative headspace. Then, after that, the days of him not speaking to me would follow. I realized I spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anxious about what I said or did, never knowing if I would spark a fight or not. I’m surprised I didn’t have high blood pressure.
4. DOUBLE STANDARDS
Apparently it was perfectly fine for him to be mad at me for days on end. He took all the time he wanted to work through his thoughts and feelings. What did I get? One day. Once he apologized, I couldn’t be mad, sad, or have any negative emotions or thoughts. Imagine me finding several sexually explicit messages in his DMs with several women, confronting him about it, and being met with one lie after another (e.g., the time stamp on Instagram is wrong). Then, to have it all come to a head with an explosive scene. I was expected to choke it down and hold it in with the other battles I chose not to fight. He would call me out for even looking sad. With the Instagram messages, he didn’t like for me to bring it up; however, he spoke on it whenever he wanted. To make sure I would never speak on it again, we came up with an affidavit stating that I wouldn’t talk about it and if I did, we would get a divorce. Just to have something in for myself, I added that he could no longer send me angry texts out of the blue accusing me of doing something wrong. After writing it, I typed it and we had it notarized. Crazy. Right? Deep down, I knew we were in trouble, but I still wanted the relationship to work.
These are just a few examples of the mess I no longer have in my life. I would think anyone would be happy to be free of this much negativity. That is why I can smile, laugh and blog about my experiences. That is why I can boldly wear my ex wifey T-shirt out in public. I have gotten quite a few positive responses on that shirt too. I do have to say we had some laughs and good times. When I faced difficult times with my daughter’s father, he was very supportive. He was my sounding board and gave me good advice when I needed it; however, the good times didn’t outweigh the bad. I see now, I was married to a man who misrepresented himself. I was living a lie. I am glad to be free of him and all of the confusion.
Pretty. Petty. Parent. 